PARIS—At a press conference Tuesday, the World Heritage
Committee officially recognized the Gap Between Rich and Poor as the “Eighth
Wonder of the World,” describing the global wealth divide as the “most colossal
and enduring of mankind’s creations.”
“Of all the epic structures the human race has devised, none
is more staggering or imposing than the Gap Between Rich and Poor,” committee
chairman Henri Jean-Baptiste said. “It is a tremendous, millennia-old expanse
that fills us with both wonder and humility.”
“And thanks to careful maintenance through the ages, this
massive relic survives intact, instilling in each new generation a sense of
awe,” Jean- Baptiste added.
The vast chasm of wealth, which stretches across most of the
inhabited world, attracts millions of stunned observers each year, many of whom
have found its immensity too overwhelming even to contemplate. By far the
largest man-made structure on Earth, it is readily visible from locations as
far-flung as Eastern Europe, China, Africa, and Brazil, as well as all 50 U.S.
states.
“The original Seven Wonders of the World pale in comparison
to this,” said World Heritage Committee member Edwin MacAlister, standing in
front of a striking photograph of the Gap Between Rich and Poor taken from
above Mexico City. “It is an astounding feat of human engineering that eclipses
the Great Wall of China, the Pyramids of Giza, and perhaps even the Great
Racial Divide.”
According to anthropologists, untold millions of slaves and
serfs toiled their whole lives to complete the gap. Records indicate the work
likely began around 10,000 years ago, when the world’s first landed elites
convinced their subjects that construction of such a monument was the will of a
divine authority, a belief still widely held today.
Though historians have repeatedly disproved such claims,
theories still persist among many that the Gap Between Rich and Poor was built
by the Jews.
“When I stare out across its astounding breadth, I’m often
moved to tears,” said Johannesburg resident Grace Ngubane, 31, whose home is
situated on one of the widest sections of the gap. “The scale is staggering—it
makes you feel really, really small.”
“Insignificant, even,” she continued.
While numerous individuals have tried to cross the Gap
Between Rich and Poor, evidence suggests that only a small fraction have ever
succeeded and many have died in the attempt.
Its official recognition as the Eighth Wonder of the World
marks the culmination of a dramatic turnaround from just 50 years ago, when
popular movements called for the gap’s closure. However, due to a small group
of dedicated politicians and industry leaders, vigorous preservation efforts
were begun around 1980 to restore—and greatly expand—the age-old structure.
“It’s breathtaking,” said Goldman Sachs CEO Lloyd Blankfein,
a longtime champion and benefactor of the rift’s conservation. “After all we’ve
been through in recent years, there’s no greater privilege than watching it
grow bigger and bigger each day. There may be a few naysayers who worry that if
it gets any wider, the whole thing will collapse upon itself and take millions
of people down with it, but I for one am willing to take that chance.”
Added Blankfein, “Besides, something tells me I’d probably
make it out okay.”
This article was published by The Onion, an American news organization featuring satirical articles on international, national, and local news. The Onion comments on current events, both imagined and real with the one above belonging mostly to the latter category.
