Injury

    or Illness?

A soldier comes home from the war with post-
traumatic stress disorder, PTSD. He's not ill,
 he's injured. As much as if he had been hit 
by gunfire or an IED, there's physical 
damage and he's wounded.

Although the horror of war is our common 
context for the injury, it occurs in less 
obvious circumstances.

Verbal abuse, neglect, and exposure to a threatening environment can result in brain damage, a PTSD equivalent in a child that can persist for the rest of their lives. It can be especially harmful during the middle-school years of development.

... but bullying? It’s easy to think that, as painful as bullying might be, all it hurts is our feelings. New research into bullying’s effects, however, is now suggesting something more than that — that in fact, bullying can leave an indelible imprint on a teen’s brain at a time when it is still growing and developing. Being harshly ostracized by one’s peers, it seems, can throw adolescent hormones even further out of whack, lead to reduced connectivity in the brain, and even sabotage the growth of new neurons.

One thing we hear, especially when we talk to adult bullies or the parents of bullies, is that they feel this behavior is a “right of passage”. That “everyone grows up and gets over it”.

Perhaps it’s true that everyone grows up, but here we have evidence that bullying affects its victims' development and that they carry this trauma with them for the rest of their lives.

These neurological scars (physical damage to the brain), it turns out, closely resemble those borne by children who are physically and sexually abused in early childhood.

Consider the child who comes to school without the ability to respond to authority, without the ability to trust an adult, without the ability to shake off depression, all the result of neglect, verbal assault, and a hostile environment.  He, like the soldier, is not ill.  He has been injured, and the damage is more significant than we've previously understood.

The key element of verbal abuse is the persistent 'attack' focused on the individual, the intent to beat down.  Each of us is vulnerable.  In relationships that matter, we're the most vulnerable.  

• a child can be wounded by verbal abuse from parents or siblings
• a middle-schooler can be wounded by verbal abuse by bullying peers
• a husband or wife can be injured by verbal abuse from their partner
• an employee can be injured by verbal abuse in the workplace when they can't afford to leave.  A bullying supervisor is the same kind of harmful person, attacking the individual rather than dealing with tasks and performance.

While it's still a new understanding in the general population, the healthcare community has long known that persistent verbal abuse is injurious.  It doesn't just hurt your feelings and disappear; it does physical damage.  The damage can often persist for a lifetime.

NOTE: Interpersonal conflict is part of life, marriage, growing up, and business.  It's normal, often necessary, and not particularly troublesome as long as it stays focused on issues and not on personal assault.

It's worth noting that a verbal abuser is of the same heart and mind as the bully, the child abuser, the wife beater.  They've each chosen to deliberately do harm to another.  Not popular news, not popular at all.

Interestingly, the degree of our vulnerability to verbal abuse is tied to the degree our personal identity and worth depend on the abuser.  How much do we depend on the approval of others?  Can you guess who might be the least vulnerable or the most resilient?
Recovery is absolutely possible.

NIH-PTSD
NIH-Bullying
Workplace Law
The Bullied Brain
Complex Trauma

The medical profession works on a figure of about 25% of people developing PTSD after exposure to traumas such as a serious accident, physical or sexual assault, war or torture, or a natural disaster such as a bushfire or a flood,.

That said, here are best estimates of the incidence of post traumatic stress disorder for some specific populations:

30% of US Vietnam veterans
10% of US Desert Storm veterans
6-11% of US Afghanistan veterans
12-20% of US Iraq veterans

3%-6% of US high school students
30%-60% of US children who have survived specific disasters
2% after a natural disaster (tornado)
28% after an episode of terrorism (mass shooting)
29% after a plane crash
100% of US children who witness a parental homicide or sexual assault
90% of sexually abused children
77% of children exposed to a school shooting
35% of urban youth exposed to community violence

50% of UK sexually abused children,
45% of UK battered women,
35% of UK adult rape victims,
30% of UK veterans,
18% of UK professional fire-fighters

13% of suburban police officers
4-14% of US law enforcement officers
16.5% of US firefighters

37% of Cambodian refugees
3% of Cambodian civilians
86% of women refugees in Kabul and Pakistan
75% of Bosnian refugee women
60% of US female rape survivors
30% of those actually in the building or injured during the 9/11 New York City attacks.

Casualty of War

Discoveries from medical science tell us how traumatic circumstances in a child's life produce brain damage.  

It hasn't yet occurred to parents that their verbal behavior and the home's atmosphere could cause physical harm to a child's mind. It can.

Physical abuse can cause physical harm; we understand that much. According to a growing body of evidence, however, verbal abuse is equally harmful. It does damage that lasts; see Wounds That Time Won't Heal for an introduction. Verbal abuse, neglect, and exposure to a threatening environment can result in brain damage, a PTSD equivalent in the child that can persist for the rest of their lives. It is especially harmful during the middle-school years of development.

Adults can be similarly damaged by a harsh and verbally abusive environment over time. We used to call it stress at home and in the workplace.  There is research now indicating that verbal abuse in intimate relationships can lead to depression, anxiety and of course, relationship failure. Similarly, in the workplace where leaving isn't an option, an abusive atmosphere can cause similar psychological problems.  Beyond those, physical damage to a portion of the brain can follow as well.  We didn't know.

Summary:

• If I get angry and attack someone physically, perhaps hitting them, I have crossed the line. I've chosen to do them harm, and I deserve to be held accountable. We knew that.
• If I get angry and viciously berate someone, I have crossed the exact same line.  I've chosen to do them harm. Though the there's no adequate law for it, I still deserve to be held accountable for the attack. We didn't know that.

This perhaps gives us a little insight into the following passage, "You have heard from long ago, 'You shall not murder, and anyone who does will be subject to judgment.' I tell you, though, that anyone who is merely angry with another will be subject to judgment. Again, anyone who goes further and insults another is answerable to the court. And anyone who viciously demeans another will be in danger of hell itself." Perhaps because ... I've chosen to do them harm.

The good news is that science has shown that are our brains are open to rewiring - it's called neuroplasticity. That means, among other things, that we can learn new ways of dealing with our own emotions, and we are able to change our brain. 

True?  Is this something we should pursue?

Psychological Maltreatment in Domestic Violence 

Sticks, Stones, and Hurtful Words Name-calling in Intimate Relationships

We can change our own behavior.  

As one example, an alternative to name calling and swearing begins with identifying our emotions and naming them (as anger or frustration, for instance) rather than being controlled by them. Expressions like "I'm feeling angry" or "scared" or "sad" will be awkward at first, but can make for healthy conversation. Stopping to understand why is even more revealing.  It may not be as emotionally satisfying as using a four-letter word or calling someone an idiot, but it can produce better results; more open communication and the real possibility of change.

Declaration of War

Lessons learned from my wife.

Communicating is a simple task. You say what you think, and I get it.  Right?



It usually works, especially about simple things like, "Do you want a banana?"  "Sure, thanks."

It gets more difficult when you add things like being in a hurry or needing to solve a problem.

"All I said was ...."
We hold ourselves accountable for the words only!  "All I asked was where's my hairbrush, and you went off on me."  Actually, the words (7%) were likely overshadowed by accusation and disapproval (93%).  It was the equivalent of an assault, a declaration of war.

We spew a torrent of information, so much more than just the words.  Our non-verbal content is huge, and it's directed at the person with whom we're trying to communicate. The non-verbal content of being angry says, "I'm angry with you!"  Being frustrated says, "I'm frustrated with you; you're the problem here!"  We extend the context of our thinking (our irritation, disappointment, disapproval) to encompass the other person.  Often, the harder we try (escalation) to make our point, the worse it gets until we're fighting about something that hardly matters.  Like which way the toilet paper should be facing; people actually fight about that.  Or, "Where's the remote?"  People fight about trivialities like that, too.

We're idiots.  Until we learn.  The sooner the better, right?

We can move from head-on encounters to working out a solution side-by-side.

In a head-on confrontation where you're aiming everything at each other, it's a conflict where lots of damage gets done.  In a side-by-side effort, you've announced that, "you're more important to me than this issue is, so let's  figure it out together."  You can choose to convey acceptance, interest, and approval as the non-verbal part of the conversation.

After we ourselves learn, we can teach our children, but not before.  In husband/wife things, it's what helps us grow together rather than apart as the years go by.  In parent/child, it's what makes the difference in the transition years as they're becoming adults.

History's Lessons Considered

Sometimes history offers us no insight at all when we don't have an adequate sample case for our inquiry.

For example, the stock market Flash Crash in 2010 was a crash dive of about 9% that recovered within minutes. It was a sudden loss by some and gain by others involving about 1.55 trillion dollars worth of assets.

After months, the SEC report "portrayed how a large mutual fund selling contracts ..., and then how high-frequency traders (HFT) started selling." The report says that the computer algorithm the trader used was set to "target an execution rate set to 9% of the trading volume calculated over the previous minute, but without regard to price or time."

Computer managed trading, faster than human intervention can circumvent. It happened similarly again in August, '13, and we haven't yet really figured out how to prevent it.

We've got just a few years experience with computer triggered actions; precious little time to really grapple with the breadth of the issues.  History doesn't help.

With rapidly evolving businesses, markets, and technology, we're stepping into uncharted territory literally every day, and it's troubling for the pessimists among us.

On the positive side though, the world's brightest minds are opening new doors.  We see new technologies, medical science discoveries, communication capabilities and information spread, and the retreat of ignorance and disease across the world.  Extraordinary possibilities in a volatile, fast paced world; all new territory, and new opportunity for us to make a difference through the choices we make.

Fight So You Both Win

Fighting and  Loving are not separate worlds.  It happens no matter how fervently you have given your heart to another; you'll fight.  Here are some suggestions on how to do so in a way that does good rather than harm.

Wait for it ...   "You always ...!"  That's your cue.  The natural response is, "No I don't," but a better answer is, "Okay, tell me more."  Perhaps hard to do the first time, but it will open the door to information you don't have.  Just being heard can reduce tension and keep things from escalating.  That's huge.  Remember, when they point something at you, ask for more information and make the effort to understand.  Memorize it, "Okay, tell me more."

Say you're sorry and mean it.   When you realize that you've contributed to your partner's distress, apologize sincerely.  Whether it's leaving their brush where they couldn't find it or spending money without talking about it first, it was important enough to cause them distress.  Understand and apologize genuinely.

End it lovingly.  The only noble purpose for fighting is fixing things in the relationship.  Get it right, work it through to understanding, and reaffirm your commitment to one another.  Appreciate how hard it is to get it right and thank each other sincerely for the effort it took.

Love isn't a state of perfect caring.  It's an active noun like 'struggle', learning how the other thinks, keeping up with their changes and growth, understanding and appreciating the things they deal with in their own heart.  It's a struggle that spans the years, and so worth the effort.  You'll grow closer, but it's a choice, not magic.

Mommy Wisdom

A frustrated father told me about his week, struggling to keep his pre-teen on track. He described it in terms I remember from going through it with my own child. I remember focusing on giving direction, keeping boundaries firm, containing my child in a context I could control.  

Looking back, we had some good results with two clever insights and solutions.

The first important piece had to do with our understanding each other.  The words were never sufficient to convey the whole of the moment.  That was perhaps most of the difficulty we all experienced.

When a child asks permission to do this or that or perhaps to go off with friends, dad has concerns.  Is it safe?  Is it supervised?  Is it with good people?  Is it good behavior?  Is it in conflict with other priorities like homework?  Is there risk?  A child doesn't have those kinds of concerns, at least not early on in the transition to adulthood.

Our first clear success came over the issue of bedtime.  It was becoming a conflict item, so mom and daughter talked it out, and my daughter came to talk to me one evening.

After affectionate pleasantries, she began, "Dad, you know how when you go to bed, sometimes you want to read for awhile or something?"
I acknowledged that I did and that I didn't go to sleep on a schedule.
"I'd like to be able to do that sometimes," she concluded.

So we talked and agreed that the important thing wasn't that she went to bed at any particular time, but that she got the sleep she needed and got up when called.  I released her from a specific bedtime and told her she could decide for herself as long as she got up when I called her in the morning.

I noted that she had expressed her desire graciously, and that she had heard and acknowledged my concerns.

The result?  She went to bed when she was sleepy, often earlier than what had been the mandatory bedtime. Sometimes she would read a bit before drifting off to sleep, and she would (usually) get up the first time I called. The conflict disappeared, and the relationship grew a bit.  She was 9 or 10 years old at the time.

The magic moment had actually preceded our conversation.  She and her mom had talked, and her mom had explained that whining wouldn't help but that if she made a reasonable, thoughtful request, I'd probably work it out with her. It was a new realm she was entering, taking the initiative and resolving important issues. Mommy wisdom.

The second and perhaps more important element is visible in the conversation.  The non-verbal content is changed. We moved from a me-against-you conflict (where we both had good reasons to disagree over 'bedtime') to an us-together reasonable discussion as we listened to each other and offered ideas.  We both learned.

It's perhaps worth a reminder that the 6th through 12th years (generally speaking) are where the emerging adult first begins to practice making the decisions we're teaching them how to make.  

Just a thought.