Fight So You Both Win

Fighting and  Loving are not separate worlds.  It happens no matter how fervently you have given your heart to another; you'll fight.  Here are some suggestions on how to do so in a way that does good rather than harm.

Wait for it ...   "You always ...!"  That's your cue.  The natural response is, "No I don't," but a better answer is, "Okay, tell me more."  Perhaps hard to do the first time, but it will open the door to information you don't have.  Just being heard can reduce tension and keep things from escalating.  That's huge.  Remember, when they point something at you, ask for more information and make the effort to understand.  Memorize it, "Okay, tell me more."

Say you're sorry and mean it.   When you realize that you've contributed to your partner's distress, apologize sincerely.  Whether it's leaving their brush where they couldn't find it or spending money without talking about it first, it was important enough to cause them distress.  Understand and apologize genuinely.

End it lovingly.  The only noble purpose for fighting is fixing things in the relationship.  Get it right, work it through to understanding, and reaffirm your commitment to one another.  Appreciate how hard it is to get it right and thank each other sincerely for the effort it took.

Love isn't a state of perfect caring.  It's an active noun like 'struggle', learning how the other thinks, keeping up with their changes and growth, understanding and appreciating the things they deal with in their own heart.  It's a struggle that spans the years, and so worth the effort.  You'll grow closer, but it's a choice, not magic.

Mommy Wisdom

A frustrated father told me about his week, struggling to keep his pre-teen on track. He described it in terms I remember from going through it with my own child. I remember focusing on giving direction, keeping boundaries firm, containing my child in a context I could control.  

Looking back, we had some good results with two clever insights and solutions.

The first important piece had to do with our understanding each other.  The words were never sufficient to convey the whole of the moment.  That was perhaps most of the difficulty we all experienced.

When a child asks permission to do this or that or perhaps to go off with friends, dad has concerns.  Is it safe?  Is it supervised?  Is it with good people?  Is it good behavior?  Is it in conflict with other priorities like homework?  Is there risk?  A child doesn't have those kinds of concerns, at least not early on in the transition to adulthood.

Our first clear success came over the issue of bedtime.  It was becoming a conflict item, so mom and daughter talked it out, and my daughter came to talk to me one evening.

After affectionate pleasantries, she began, "Dad, you know how when you go to bed, sometimes you want to read for awhile or something?"
I acknowledged that I did and that I didn't go to sleep on a schedule.
"I'd like to be able to do that sometimes," she concluded.

So we talked and agreed that the important thing wasn't that she went to bed at any particular time, but that she got the sleep she needed and got up when called.  I released her from a specific bedtime and told her she could decide for herself as long as she got up when I called her in the morning.

I noted that she had expressed her desire graciously, and that she had heard and acknowledged my concerns.

The result?  She went to bed when she was sleepy, often earlier than what had been the mandatory bedtime. Sometimes she would read a bit before drifting off to sleep, and she would (usually) get up the first time I called. The conflict disappeared, and the relationship grew a bit.  She was 9 or 10 years old at the time.

The magic moment had actually preceded our conversation.  She and her mom had talked, and her mom had explained that whining wouldn't help but that if she made a reasonable, thoughtful request, I'd probably work it out with her. It was a new realm she was entering, taking the initiative and resolving important issues. Mommy wisdom.

The second and perhaps more important element is visible in the conversation.  The non-verbal content is changed. We moved from a me-against-you conflict (where we both had good reasons to disagree over 'bedtime') to an us-together reasonable discussion as we listened to each other and offered ideas.  We both learned.

It's perhaps worth a reminder that the 6th through 12th years (generally speaking) are where the emerging adult first begins to practice making the decisions we're teaching them how to make.  

Just a thought.

Why Educate?

Easy question; we educate to prepare for the job market, right?

That’s one perspective, of course, but perhaps not first in importance.  Among other things, education introduces knowledge that makes sense of the world and particularly, it moves ignorance and flawed thinking off the table.

A child’s ethics and worldview are initially shaped at home.  Education’s contribution, whether at home or in school, continues the process, filling in the details with language and literature, history and geography, science and math, philosophy and the arts.  Skills come along separately.  There are keyboard and computer, hammer and saw, scalpel and suture, and all the focused capabilities that enable us.

It’s the knowledge, though, that lays the foundation for understanding and perhaps for wisdom  for our children. As they’re equipped for the more demanding concerns of the marketplace and workplace, or the council chamber, then comes career.

In the longer term and far more important, education isn't about jobs and income -- it's about having an educated public. Before we know what jobs kids will need to do, we have to give them the basic skills that will serve them across the board -- reading well to acquire information; communicating effectively both orally and in writing; and importantly, enjoying the process of learning, whether it's for intellectual or vocational purposes, or just for enjoyment.

America's founders understood the importance of public education and allocated land and money for it before 1800. Alexis de Tocqueville observed how Americans believed their education, whether it came from school or hard work on their own, made them the equal of any fellow citizen, and America the equal of any foreign land.

Friends of ours in school in Kenya,

fine fellows all.

Life is more complicated now than in 1800, and every issue facing us has well-funded ideological champions trying to persuade/convince/snooker us into supporting their positions. From the Ukraine uprising to where we should look for our nation's enemies, from affordable healthcare to the budget deficit, smart and educated beats dumb and ignorant every time.
                Thanks, and a hat tip to Glen Lineberry, High School Teacher

It's a poignant picture;  for many,
resources and teachers, costs and
transport, all are more difficult.  For
their children though, education is
the key to the future.

Apart from our own children, many of us support education projects in other communities and elsewhere in the world.  Our hope is that education will help them do well with health and skills and employment, of course. More than that, we hope and pray they’ll grow in wisdom as well, because like us, they need an educated citizenry, a knowledgeable workforce, and wise governance at every level, none of which can be externally imposed.

Feel free to join in the fun.  Email me or go to www.TexasEx.Org

Success

Anti-malaria training program in western Africa
by STeP UP Sao Tome, the in-country NGO.

We know that help is most successful when it is no longer needed. The greatest assistance the United States can give to developing nations is the achievement of self-sufficiency and sustainability.

~U.S. Agency for International Development

The same applies to our individual efforts to help others.

There are always immediate needs, of course.  Getting through this day or this year is impossible for some.  A war, a drought or disease, a regional upheaval; such things cause displacement and suffering that call for help just to survive.

Beyond lending a hand with today's immediate needs, what helps a family or a country make their way forward to a sustainable life of their own?

The successes and failures of recent decades answer the question.  Investments in education, technology, government, health, all can make a difference.  The key element needed for success, however, is a clearly defined goal coupled with the long-term commitment to get there.

A one-time gift to feed a family is deeply appreciated.  It makes surviving the day or the month possible.  A long-term investment may be what's needed to make a difference in the days and years to come.

For a family in Kenya living at the survival level, helping them keep their kids in school is at least part of the way forward for them.  Sponsoring the oldest son's advanced education is culturally appropriate as he will step in alongside the father to provide for the family.  Helping them start and operate a small business is culturally appropriate as that's the viable option for rising above poverty in their economy.  Chickens, agriculture, a small motorcycle to be used as a taxi service, shoes and tools for basic life labors, all are possible options. The key element remains necessary; a clearly defined goal coupled with the long-term commitment to get there.  It's something a friend can do; small-scale, focused, attentively refined to keep on track.  It's much more difficult for a government program to accomplish.

The best options available to westerners who want to be effective are both small and large.

World Vision is perhaps the most effective organization available to us.  While they offer child sponsorship, the actual work on the ground is community based.  Their workers will spend a couple of decades in a community, helping them get on their feet and on a path sustainably forward.  The sponsored kids are served well, but the assistance extends to include their family.  Schools, roads, wells, agriculture improvements, basic business education, and more are offered within the cultural context in usable forms as the members of the community are equipped and resourced to tackle the issues.

Kids get mosquito nets for their homes in the battle

against malaria.  One among many  STeP UP
projects that really help.

In-country NGOs like STeP UP are precisely on target and accountable, recommend by knowledgeable folks at the U.S. Embassy.  They're good folks whom we know personally and coordinate with through every month.

Churches in the U.S. often have direct connections to foreign organizations that provide direct, accountable, and effective assistance.

Best first option, perhaps; go see for yourself.  You can learn more in a week abroad than in years of study and speculation.

Body Language

What we communicate is not limited to the words we use.  Expression and gesture, body language and tone ... all that and now, emoticons!  I made up the numbers, though.

Welcome to the new world of vocabularic emoticonisms!  :)

There is no rigid agreement yet on the icons or their meanings. Emoticonical speech is a digital/graphical extension of non-verbal expression and is a relatively young language component.


The origin of such non-verbal content rests perhaps with the instinctive facial and gestural expressions we all find in ourselves.  It is normally subconscious, but can be conscious and deliberate if we choose.  We can deliberately be welcoming, respectful, appreciative, encouraging, or otherwise without saying a word; just expression and body language.



Emoticons are digital fill-ins for all of that normal body language content, of course.  It's a recreational and entertaining form of the non-verbal things we do naturally, and it's just a small foray in that direction.
 
Body language is hugely informative.  If we're perceptive, we'll see these things clearly in children. Even without emoticons, children show us the open expression of their heart without any filters being applied.  A perceptive person notices such things and is careful to read body language clearly in order to understand what is being communicated.

An extraordinary minority will speak up here and point out that they learned this particular skill from their dog. Dog people are usually nicer. We probably need puppymoticons.

P.S. There's a wealth of wisdom available in understanding how our communication actually works.

He that wisely holdeth his tongue and considereth first his noble goal, doth a service to both himselfeth and to himeth whom he wouldeth have otherwise clobberedth.

James 1:19
(It was that kind of a week)

The Light

Rust: “I tell you Marty I been up in that room looking out those windows every night here just thinking, ... it’s just one story.  The oldest.”

Marty: “What’s that?”

Rust: “Light versus dark.”

Marty: “Well, I know we ain't in Alaska, but it appears to me that the dark has a lot more territory.”

Rust: “Yeah, you're right about that.”

...
...

...

Rust: “You're looking at it wrong, the sky thing.”
Marty: “How’s that?”
Rust: “Well, once there was only dark. You ask me, the light’s winning.”