Casualty of War

Discoveries from medical science tell us how traumatic circumstances in a child's life produce brain damage.  

It hasn't yet occurred to parents that their verbal behavior and the home's atmosphere could cause physical harm to a child's mind. It can.

Physical abuse can cause physical harm; we understand that much. According to a growing body of evidence, however, verbal abuse is equally harmful. It does damage that lasts; see Wounds That Time Won't Heal for an introduction. Verbal abuse, neglect, and exposure to a threatening environment can result in brain damage, a PTSD equivalent in the child that can persist for the rest of their lives. It is especially harmful during the middle-school years of development.

Adults can be similarly damaged by a harsh and verbally abusive environment over time. We used to call it stress at home and in the workplace.  There is research now indicating that verbal abuse in intimate relationships can lead to depression, anxiety and of course, relationship failure. Similarly, in the workplace where leaving isn't an option, an abusive atmosphere can cause similar psychological problems.  Beyond those, physical damage to a portion of the brain can follow as well.  We didn't know.

Summary:

• If I get angry and attack someone physically, perhaps hitting them, I have crossed the line. I've chosen to do them harm, and I deserve to be held accountable. We knew that.
• If I get angry and viciously berate someone, I have crossed the exact same line.  I've chosen to do them harm. Though the there's no adequate law for it, I still deserve to be held accountable for the attack. We didn't know that.

This perhaps gives us a little insight into the following passage, "You have heard from long ago, 'You shall not murder, and anyone who does will be subject to judgment.' I tell you, though, that anyone who is merely angry with another will be subject to judgment. Again, anyone who goes further and insults another is answerable to the court. And anyone who viciously demeans another will be in danger of hell itself." Perhaps because ... I've chosen to do them harm.

The good news is that science has shown that are our brains are open to rewiring - it's called neuroplasticity. That means, among other things, that we can learn new ways of dealing with our own emotions, and we are able to change our brain. 

True?  Is this something we should pursue?

Psychological Maltreatment in Domestic Violence 

Sticks, Stones, and Hurtful Words Name-calling in Intimate Relationships

We can change our own behavior.  

As one example, an alternative to name calling and swearing begins with identifying our emotions and naming them (as anger or frustration, for instance) rather than being controlled by them. Expressions like "I'm feeling angry" or "scared" or "sad" will be awkward at first, but can make for healthy conversation. Stopping to understand why is even more revealing.  It may not be as emotionally satisfying as using a four-letter word or calling someone an idiot, but it can produce better results; more open communication and the real possibility of change.

Declaration of War

Lessons learned from my wife.

Communicating is a simple task. You say what you think, and I get it.  Right?



It usually works, especially about simple things like, "Do you want a banana?"  "Sure, thanks."

It gets more difficult when you add things like being in a hurry or needing to solve a problem.

"All I said was ...."
We hold ourselves accountable for the words only!  "All I asked was where's my hairbrush, and you went off on me."  Actually, the words (7%) were likely overshadowed by accusation and disapproval (93%).  It was the equivalent of an assault, a declaration of war.

We spew a torrent of information, so much more than just the words.  Our non-verbal content is huge, and it's directed at the person with whom we're trying to communicate. The non-verbal content of being angry says, "I'm angry with you!"  Being frustrated says, "I'm frustrated with you; you're the problem here!"  We extend the context of our thinking (our irritation, disappointment, disapproval) to encompass the other person.  Often, the harder we try (escalation) to make our point, the worse it gets until we're fighting about something that hardly matters.  Like which way the toilet paper should be facing; people actually fight about that.  Or, "Where's the remote?"  People fight about trivialities like that, too.

We're idiots.  Until we learn.  The sooner the better, right?

We can move from head-on encounters to working out a solution side-by-side.

In a head-on confrontation where you're aiming everything at each other, it's a conflict where lots of damage gets done.  In a side-by-side effort, you've announced that, "you're more important to me than this issue is, so let's  figure it out together."  You can choose to convey acceptance, interest, and approval as the non-verbal part of the conversation.

After we ourselves learn, we can teach our children, but not before.  In husband/wife things, it's what helps us grow together rather than apart as the years go by.  In parent/child, it's what makes the difference in the transition years as they're becoming adults.

History's Lessons Considered

Sometimes history offers us no insight at all when we don't have an adequate sample case for our inquiry.

For example, the stock market Flash Crash in 2010 was a crash dive of about 9% that recovered within minutes. It was a sudden loss by some and gain by others involving about 1.55 trillion dollars worth of assets.

After months, the SEC report "portrayed how a large mutual fund selling contracts ..., and then how high-frequency traders (HFT) started selling." The report says that the computer algorithm the trader used was set to "target an execution rate set to 9% of the trading volume calculated over the previous minute, but without regard to price or time."

Computer managed trading, faster than human intervention can circumvent. It happened similarly again in August, '13, and we haven't yet really figured out how to prevent it.

We've got just a few years experience with computer triggered actions; precious little time to really grapple with the breadth of the issues.  History doesn't help.

With rapidly evolving businesses, markets, and technology, we're stepping into uncharted territory literally every day, and it's troubling for the pessimists among us.

On the positive side though, the world's brightest minds are opening new doors.  We see new technologies, medical science discoveries, communication capabilities and information spread, and the retreat of ignorance and disease across the world.  Extraordinary possibilities in a volatile, fast paced world; all new territory, and new opportunity for us to make a difference through the choices we make.

Fight So You Both Win

Fighting and  Loving are not separate worlds.  It happens no matter how fervently you have given your heart to another; you'll fight.  Here are some suggestions on how to do so in a way that does good rather than harm.

Wait for it ...   "You always ...!"  That's your cue.  The natural response is, "No I don't," but a better answer is, "Okay, tell me more."  Perhaps hard to do the first time, but it will open the door to information you don't have.  Just being heard can reduce tension and keep things from escalating.  That's huge.  Remember, when they point something at you, ask for more information and make the effort to understand.  Memorize it, "Okay, tell me more."

Say you're sorry and mean it.   When you realize that you've contributed to your partner's distress, apologize sincerely.  Whether it's leaving their brush where they couldn't find it or spending money without talking about it first, it was important enough to cause them distress.  Understand and apologize genuinely.

End it lovingly.  The only noble purpose for fighting is fixing things in the relationship.  Get it right, work it through to understanding, and reaffirm your commitment to one another.  Appreciate how hard it is to get it right and thank each other sincerely for the effort it took.

Love isn't a state of perfect caring.  It's an active noun like 'struggle', learning how the other thinks, keeping up with their changes and growth, understanding and appreciating the things they deal with in their own heart.  It's a struggle that spans the years, and so worth the effort.  You'll grow closer, but it's a choice, not magic.

Mommy Wisdom

A frustrated father told me about his week, struggling to keep his pre-teen on track. He described it in terms I remember from going through it with my own child. I remember focusing on giving direction, keeping boundaries firm, containing my child in a context I could control.  

Looking back, we had some good results with two clever insights and solutions.

The first important piece had to do with our understanding each other.  The words were never sufficient to convey the whole of the moment.  That was perhaps most of the difficulty we all experienced.

When a child asks permission to do this or that or perhaps to go off with friends, dad has concerns.  Is it safe?  Is it supervised?  Is it with good people?  Is it good behavior?  Is it in conflict with other priorities like homework?  Is there risk?  A child doesn't have those kinds of concerns, at least not early on in the transition to adulthood.

Our first clear success came over the issue of bedtime.  It was becoming a conflict item, so mom and daughter talked it out, and my daughter came to talk to me one evening.

After affectionate pleasantries, she began, "Dad, you know how when you go to bed, sometimes you want to read for awhile or something?"
I acknowledged that I did and that I didn't go to sleep on a schedule.
"I'd like to be able to do that sometimes," she concluded.

So we talked and agreed that the important thing wasn't that she went to bed at any particular time, but that she got the sleep she needed and got up when called.  I released her from a specific bedtime and told her she could decide for herself as long as she got up when I called her in the morning.

I noted that she had expressed her desire graciously, and that she had heard and acknowledged my concerns.

The result?  She went to bed when she was sleepy, often earlier than what had been the mandatory bedtime. Sometimes she would read a bit before drifting off to sleep, and she would (usually) get up the first time I called. The conflict disappeared, and the relationship grew a bit.  She was 9 or 10 years old at the time.

The magic moment had actually preceded our conversation.  She and her mom had talked, and her mom had explained that whining wouldn't help but that if she made a reasonable, thoughtful request, I'd probably work it out with her. It was a new realm she was entering, taking the initiative and resolving important issues. Mommy wisdom.

The second and perhaps more important element is visible in the conversation.  The non-verbal content is changed. We moved from a me-against-you conflict (where we both had good reasons to disagree over 'bedtime') to an us-together reasonable discussion as we listened to each other and offered ideas.  We both learned.

It's perhaps worth a reminder that the 6th through 12th years (generally speaking) are where the emerging adult first begins to practice making the decisions we're teaching them how to make.  

Just a thought.

Why Educate?

Easy question; we educate to prepare for the job market, right?

That’s one perspective, of course, but perhaps not first in importance.  Among other things, education introduces knowledge that makes sense of the world and particularly, it moves ignorance and flawed thinking off the table.

A child’s ethics and worldview are initially shaped at home.  Education’s contribution, whether at home or in school, continues the process, filling in the details with language and literature, history and geography, science and math, philosophy and the arts.  Skills come along separately.  There are keyboard and computer, hammer and saw, scalpel and suture, and all the focused capabilities that enable us.

It’s the knowledge, though, that lays the foundation for understanding and perhaps for wisdom  for our children. As they’re equipped for the more demanding concerns of the marketplace and workplace, or the council chamber, then comes career.

In the longer term and far more important, education isn't about jobs and income -- it's about having an educated public. Before we know what jobs kids will need to do, we have to give them the basic skills that will serve them across the board -- reading well to acquire information; communicating effectively both orally and in writing; and importantly, enjoying the process of learning, whether it's for intellectual or vocational purposes, or just for enjoyment.

America's founders understood the importance of public education and allocated land and money for it before 1800. Alexis de Tocqueville observed how Americans believed their education, whether it came from school or hard work on their own, made them the equal of any fellow citizen, and America the equal of any foreign land.

Friends of ours in school in Kenya,

fine fellows all.

Life is more complicated now than in 1800, and every issue facing us has well-funded ideological champions trying to persuade/convince/snooker us into supporting their positions. From the Ukraine uprising to where we should look for our nation's enemies, from affordable healthcare to the budget deficit, smart and educated beats dumb and ignorant every time.
                Thanks, and a hat tip to Glen Lineberry, High School Teacher

It's a poignant picture;  for many,
resources and teachers, costs and
transport, all are more difficult.  For
their children though, education is
the key to the future.

Apart from our own children, many of us support education projects in other communities and elsewhere in the world.  Our hope is that education will help them do well with health and skills and employment, of course. More than that, we hope and pray they’ll grow in wisdom as well, because like us, they need an educated citizenry, a knowledgeable workforce, and wise governance at every level, none of which can be externally imposed.

Feel free to join in the fun.  Email me or go to www.TexasEx.Org