Bullying, Observant Children, and Today's Opportunity

Threats, insults, slander, and assault - these are the bully’s strategy of control through intimidation.

- “You weren’t thinking; you never do.”
- “What a stupid question… you ask a lot of stupid questions.”
- “She’s a loser who doesn’t know what the hell she’s doing.”

The bully learns such behavior from parents and others.  Their typical environment includes:

- frequent and escalating verbal conflict; attack, lie, deny, attack
- authoritarian control, i.e., my way or the highway
- loyalty required above ethics or conscience

Why do victims and witnesses allow this to continue?   Some are overwhelmed.  Some side with the abuser in their cause, no matter how harmful it may be. For others, the chaos brings hope that things will improve, and they become peacemakers to minimize the damage.  It is typically short-lived because the perpetrator thrives on chaos and control.

There are a few who refuse to accept abuse and stand up against it.  But then there are the enablers who stand by and watch and do nothing to challenge or end it. Lastly, there are those who cheer him on, relieved that they are not on the receiving end of his tirades.  The last two groups are complicit in the ongoing harm and life disruption.

Healthy response:
     - Recognize the behavior and the ego-centric absence of empathy.
     - Label it as it is – untruthful, disrespectful, malicious, deliberate harm.
     - Teach your children (age appropriately) in conversation and by example; these days are a great opportunity to learn through what they see.  Talk about honesty, integrity, respect, accountability, and self-control.  Talk about helping others, making a difference, and caring.  Show them how.

"I’ve become all too familiar with terminology like gas-lighting, and flying monkeys. I recognize the way he weasels out of his intolerable behavior by trying to apply that sick and twisted logic that only narcissists do to trick people into believing that *technically* what he’s doing isn’t wrong. I watch his devotees, who have backed themselves into a corner by investing so much of their own identities into their relationship to him, be a part of his flying monkey brigade.

It does remind me so much of my abusive childhood that unfortunately pitted me against my sister, and vice versa, just to survive it." – T.D.

Unlike growing up in abusive family, from which one can launch into an independent life, the continuing chaos and distrust brought on by the words and deeds of leadership today cannot be as easily overcome. Knowing the signs, recognizing when one’s perception is accurate or inaccurate, seeking support from discerning individuals, getting involved sociopolitically, getting info from legitimate sources, doing a fact check, if so inclined, and voting — these are perhaps ways to mitigate the impact on your life and family.

Open and objective conversation with those who think differently would perhaps be appropriate as well, but quite a challenge for most of us.